I was invited to deliver a couple of lectures at a well known foundation for senior citizens in Mumbai recently. The lectures were on transformational dialoging with self and others and among the modalities I worked with in the sessions were non-violent communication and emotional intelligence.
One point of emphasis during the sessions was the idea of conscious communication and the power of transformation that it holds. For example, we discussed how parents often tend to compare children with their peers and inadvertently damage the child emotionally. When a child is told "Look at XYZ's child... how good he is at math" or "You must learn from Pia, she is so disciplined", the child unconsciously picks up the message "I am not ok as I am." A lot of these children carry this message as a belief well into adulthood and continue to believe they are never good enough. It does not help that social messages continue to reinforce this belief all around us: slimming pills ads tell us we are not thin enough, performance feedback in a lot of organisations says we are not as competent as our colleagues, 'motivational' speakers say we do not dream big enough.
After my last lecture, there was a social gathering with the participants and typical of Indian fashion, the conversation steered to how old I am and if I am married. In the spirit of the light hearted conversation I chose to respond and told them I am 36 and single. And then followed a barrage of advice about how it is important to find a companion to 'complete' me. They even went on to ask if I need help in finding a partner. At that point I put a firm stop to the conversation and made it clear they are crossing a boundary.
The reason I am writing this post is two-fold:
- One, I am reminding myself to stay more present in conversations and not allow my boundaries to be breached even to the extent it was breached. I must learn to be openly unapologetic of a life choice that I have made consciously.
- Two, I am putting out a call to you who are reading to reflect upon this: Are you aware of the possibility that you may be engaging in disempowering conversation? In asking seemingly innocuous questions such as "Why aren't you married" or "why do you choose not to have a child" or "why don't you go back to employment" or "why don't you try dieting", we are reinforcing the message that "you are not ok as you are". Some of those who receive this message may be conscious enough to not get impacted. But a lot of them will get affected, even if they continue to engage in the conversation to be social and polite. And how do you respond when you are at the receiving end of such questions and comments?
As a student of psychology, one of the early lessons we were taught was that the idea of 'normal' is a fallacy. Even if a huge proportion of people in the world make certain life choices, that does not make it normal. It is just what it is: a choice. We are living in times where we can clearly see the impact of unconscious conversations: terrorists are created because the world tells a section of the community that they are not ok. Depression is rampant because people are told they are not good enough.
I am all for continuous self growth and learning. I do believe it is important to contribute meaningfully to the world. But learning and contribution happen best when we hold space for each other: not by giving advice, not by indicating what is 'normal', not by setting arbitrary standards of success. Holding space is simply celebrating another as they are. By all means, intervene if they are causing themselves or others physical or emotional harm. Apart from that, most other life choices are simply a way of learning and growing.
I do believe most of us intend well when we have a conversation. But is there a gap between our intent and impact? Stay conscious.
One point of emphasis during the sessions was the idea of conscious communication and the power of transformation that it holds. For example, we discussed how parents often tend to compare children with their peers and inadvertently damage the child emotionally. When a child is told "Look at XYZ's child... how good he is at math" or "You must learn from Pia, she is so disciplined", the child unconsciously picks up the message "I am not ok as I am." A lot of these children carry this message as a belief well into adulthood and continue to believe they are never good enough. It does not help that social messages continue to reinforce this belief all around us: slimming pills ads tell us we are not thin enough, performance feedback in a lot of organisations says we are not as competent as our colleagues, 'motivational' speakers say we do not dream big enough.
After my last lecture, there was a social gathering with the participants and typical of Indian fashion, the conversation steered to how old I am and if I am married. In the spirit of the light hearted conversation I chose to respond and told them I am 36 and single. And then followed a barrage of advice about how it is important to find a companion to 'complete' me. They even went on to ask if I need help in finding a partner. At that point I put a firm stop to the conversation and made it clear they are crossing a boundary.
The reason I am writing this post is two-fold:
- One, I am reminding myself to stay more present in conversations and not allow my boundaries to be breached even to the extent it was breached. I must learn to be openly unapologetic of a life choice that I have made consciously.
- Two, I am putting out a call to you who are reading to reflect upon this: Are you aware of the possibility that you may be engaging in disempowering conversation? In asking seemingly innocuous questions such as "Why aren't you married" or "why do you choose not to have a child" or "why don't you go back to employment" or "why don't you try dieting", we are reinforcing the message that "you are not ok as you are". Some of those who receive this message may be conscious enough to not get impacted. But a lot of them will get affected, even if they continue to engage in the conversation to be social and polite. And how do you respond when you are at the receiving end of such questions and comments?
As a student of psychology, one of the early lessons we were taught was that the idea of 'normal' is a fallacy. Even if a huge proportion of people in the world make certain life choices, that does not make it normal. It is just what it is: a choice. We are living in times where we can clearly see the impact of unconscious conversations: terrorists are created because the world tells a section of the community that they are not ok. Depression is rampant because people are told they are not good enough.
I am all for continuous self growth and learning. I do believe it is important to contribute meaningfully to the world. But learning and contribution happen best when we hold space for each other: not by giving advice, not by indicating what is 'normal', not by setting arbitrary standards of success. Holding space is simply celebrating another as they are. By all means, intervene if they are causing themselves or others physical or emotional harm. Apart from that, most other life choices are simply a way of learning and growing.
I do believe most of us intend well when we have a conversation. But is there a gap between our intent and impact? Stay conscious.
