As an Indian woman who’s hit the three decade mark recently, I am often treated as being doomed. Doomed, because apparently one of the qualifications for success when you are 30 is to have a ‘successful’ married life, perhaps, with a couple of kids thrown into the picture. So, I am often subjected to rather nosy remarks disguised as condolences about my single status. And on the rare occasions that I bother to respond and tell the person I am happy and single by choice (and honestly so), the counterpoint is an ominous “You don’t realise it now, but who will take care of you in your old age? All your friends will get busy with their spouses and children, and you will be left alone…” Really? I don’t particularly bother to retort and tell them the truth about my many frustrated married friends. And when did marriages start coming with an insurance contract for being taken care of in old age?

Let me state here that I am not a misogamist. I am certainly open to the idea of sharing one’s life with a partner if and when one feels like it. But the point of contention is the concept of marriage and family in conjunction with human evolution.

Over millennia, we have evolved physically, mentally and consciously. The evolution of consciousness, individually and collectively, has resulted in development that includes the formation and continual alternations of personal and social relationships. We have moved from being scared, suspicious primates to ferocious, insecure warriors to intellectual, civil technologists, and parallelly, bigoted, rigid fundamentalists. At every stage in this evolution of consciousness, we have seen our social structure change. From the tribal instinct of conquering a partner using physical prowess to the supposedly secure institution of marriage, we have tried to ensure that more and more relationships are based on love rather than mere biological or monetary reasons.

At this point, let us dwell on our understanding of consciousness. In my opinion, it is the force that keeps us alive, makes us use our body and do the things we do in our lives. It is our bridge to divinity. Evolution of consciousness entails increasing awareness of it. In our primal stages, we understood consciousness as a scary unknown (the fearsome, punishing God) that controls us. We eventually moved to mirroring it outward as an external entity (the judging God) that influences us and thus instituted the concepts of religion and worship. Now, we acknowledge, to a great degree, that it is not external, but within us (Love Incarnate). Hence, we find a lot more people being open to ‘new age’ philosophies and practices.

With this change, we also see its reflection in the social patterns of individuals and communities that are more aware. These people choose to base their relationships, actions and work on love. Love acts as the guiding force of their existence. Therefore, the conventionally conditioned need for guarantees in a relationship is minimised. They understand that commitment is merely an insurance against change. By its very nature, it is a fallacy, since change is constant. If we expect our partner to not change, what we expect is for him/her to stop growing. This goes against the very purpose of existence.

One may have a couple of questions now: Firstly, if commitment is unnatural, is philandering our birthright? Secondly, when we speak of some people being more aware and the others still preferring the fortress of imposed loyalty and duty towards spouse and family, are we being separatist and judgmental and categorising people as being superior or inferior?

To answer the first question, no, philandering is simply an individual choice and tendency, not a birthright. If one wishes to use this choice, one has to be ready for the repercussions. Let us go back a few steps and understand the idea of commitment. Conventionally, commitment is understood to mean not changing one’s stance and attitude towards a partner. Now if we as individuals evolve and so do our partners (at different paces), the equations in our relationships are bound to change. If we do not acknowledge and adapt to these changes, the relationship will get uncomfortable. It is as good as not respecting the reality about yourself and your partner. Typically, in a commitment-oriented relationship, after the initial months or years, the romance fizzles off and relationship is sustained due to a sense of duty and obligation. And then it sours, since it is naturally difficult to live an enforced obligation all our life.

The only thing we can be committed towards is change – change towards growth. And since we can control only our personal growth, the only commitment really possible is towards oneself. This is a commitment of true love, for it is love that propels us to live and grow. So what we need to look for in a relationship is not a person who can commit to us, but who is committed to self. For one can only give what one has. If one loves self, then one can love another. In such a relationship, cheating and hurting a partner intentionally is naturally not possible, since the person would realise that what s/he does to the other, s/he does to self.

A relationship based on these values is not a lifetime guarantee or legal stamping, but it is about propelling the growth, joy and love for all involved. The nature of the partnership may change with time, since the partners would allow space for growth, and perhaps, people may decide to part ways. But this parting is merely an output of love; it is about saying, “I recognise the need to release you for your growth and mine. I do so with the trust that our new paths will bring us both joy and more love.” It is about recognising that love is too magnificent a force to be restricted ‘exclusively’ for one person.

Now, the second question: are we being judgmental when we talk of some people being more aware than others? No, it is simply about living our truth. The way we live reflects our connect with the divine – our higher selves. If we are aware of the magnitude of love that we are, we would be lying to ourselves if we complied with existing social norms simply due to fear. Our beliefs, thoughts and actions need to be aligned for us to be honest to self. The truth differs from one person to another, for it is our understanding of our consciousness. So there is no superior or inferior, all is a reflection of God, of Love. What is paramount is living our own truth and not a socially convenient one.

So if we wish to get married at a certain age because society dictates so or produce kids to make our parents happy, we may wish to have a reality check. Are we complying out of fear or obligation? Because ‘everyone’ does so? Are we too scared to even think of an alternative choice? If yes, we are wasting a lot of our time and effort in living a lie. We may fool ourselves into believing that we’ve compromised and ‘sacrificed’ and made others happy in the process. But when we are living a lie, everything that is a part of that lie is an illusion. We may pretend to be happy, others may pretend to be satisfied with us, but what have we really given others? Just a pretence…

Social norms such as legal marriages, the pressure to produce kids, etc. were evolved in an era that perhaps needed the rigidity to help us understand love. It is like how we need the discipline of a school to help us have a strong academic foundation. But now, we have moved on. If we continue to live in the same schools, we will suffocate and not learn. This is not to say marriages are unnecessary and having children is not required. But yes, it may not be everyone’s need. When it is not, it is important to state our truth by living it. That is the only way to live our purpose. Getting married or having children does not make us complete. We are complete in ourselves. Any social relationship is merely a recognition and celebration of that completion.

While we’re inundated with advice (“why don’t you start thinking positively…”), suggestions (“try to be positive to achieve your goals…”), even warnings (“beware of negative thoughts, they often manifest easily…”) on positive thinking, very often, we struggle with the output. In fact, more often than not, we struggle with the input. So here are some musings on the concept of thought energy and its manifestations.

First things first, there’s no point in denying thoughts, even if they are so-called negative. The idea behind the human form is experience – energy experiencing itself, God experiencing God – and so all aspects of experience need to be embraced regardless of how we label it in the human realm. Judgements are the prerogative of the human social form. Where we come from, there is no judgement. Energy simply is. Where we come from is the space that propels our lungs to breathe. Where we come from is the force that makes our knees go weak when we fall in love. Where we come from is the power that senses the presence of those that are not physically present with us.

So one might argue, if the negative does not exist, why would we have a label for it? The labels are tool for us to understand feelings that offer different types of experiences. And so acts, thoughts and feelings that lend us a pleasant experience (pleasing to the human body and intelligence, primarily) are termed positive. The ones that make us feel uncomfortable are labelled negative. The presence of negative helps us understand the positive.

At a practical level, when we talk of using ‘positive’ thoughts for creating our lives, what we mean is we want to create experiences that we individually and collectively deem pleasant. So can we simply begin by using affirmations, thoughts, visualisations, etc. to the effect? That may be one part of the process. But remember, all these are created by that impish thing between our ears called the brain, that can intelligently help us cheat ourselves. So sometimes, we may not really believe in an outcome, or think it’s too unrealistic, and yet mentally rattle off affirmations and hope it comes true. Of course it does not. Because the wishes we chant are not in alignment with our true intent.

Intent is the womb of creation. It is the space that nurtures our thoughts. It is the bridge between energy and non-energy. It is the highway that leads us to ourselves, to God. Therefore, positive thought has to begin with positive intent. Else, the womb of creation simply rejects the foetus of thought. If the thought does not match the intent, the foetus cannot attach itself to the womb and therefore the outcome is aborted, no matter how much we try to feed the foetus using the brain as a mother.

How then, do we mind our intent? For intent is that fleeting moment when thought is born. We are barely aware of it. But we have checks and balances to know if the intent and thought are in alignment. Given that we are aware of our thoughts, let us use that as the instrument. When thought is in alignment with intent, there is no effort required to remind ourselves of it. The thought naturally transmutes itself into the measures required at the physical or mental level to manifest it into reality. There is no internal struggle. We do not need to push ourselves into doing anything.

When the thought is not the same as intent, we need to constantly remind ourselves of what we need to think. At a practical level, we feel unmotivated, lazy or uncomfortable and keep needing to convince ourselves to do what we need to, in order to fructify the thought. If this happens, it is time to stop pretending that we really intend what we are working towards.

Then the next question is, what do we do if this happens in the context of things that are socially desirable? For example, when we use ‘positive thinking’ to score well in an examination, or to get a promotion, or to get married? Our social conditioning may dictate that these are supposedly desirable, but do respect your existence as an individual. If the purpose of life was to live as a communal machine, we would be born physically linked to each other. The universe is not flawed in its design. The fact that we are born as physically distinct individuals asserts that we need to use individuality as a tool for communal benefit. The cutting of the umbilical cord at birth is symbolic of the fact that we’re linked to others in spirit, but the moment we come into worldly existence, it is time to joyously express the distinct aspect of the One that we are. We gain these experiences separately, and then eventually merge back into the One, enriching the common pool of awareness.

So it does not matter whether what we want is desirable by our family or friends or well-wishers. Each of us is an inextricable part of the One, and we intrinsically know what we are here for. That’s why we have instinct, for it helps us access what we already know. Let instinct guide us to shape our intent. Then the thoughts and the actions that follow will naturally create value for self and others, regardless of the social judgements that may be passed against them. May our trust in our existence and its purpose be the beacon that leads us into creation.